she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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