I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
