Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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