piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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