It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
