i need an iv and a liver transplant
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
