My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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