A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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