I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don't want my vagina anymore.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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