That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
