Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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