I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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