His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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