my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
