I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
