He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
