Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
