I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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