He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
