I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
