i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
