The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
