This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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