Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
