We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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