he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
