Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
