i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
