and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
