I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
