Cold hands, warm shart.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
