I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
