I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
