You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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