if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
