wakey wakey hands off snakey
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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