On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
