so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Semen is not good for contacts.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
