It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
