I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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