Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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