i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
