i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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