He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
