We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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