I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
