I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Randomize
