If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
