I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.