God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
