Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
