I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
