the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
