ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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