i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
