just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
