They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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