I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
