Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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