i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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