I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
